Monsters of Archaeology

“Frankenstein” mummies of Scotland rise from the grave to scare the bejeebers out of us rational modernites!
Meet Jeff, Troy, Annie, Pierce, Britta, Shirley, and maybe even Abed - a "Frankenstein" mummy of Cladh Hallan. c.1600-1300 BCE

Meet Jeff, Troy, Annie, Pierce, Britta, Shirley, and maybe even Abed – a “Frankenstein” mummy from the community of Cladh Hallan, Scotland (c.1600-1300 BCE). – The Telegraph-UK

Didn’t the Burger tell you about the great job archaeologists have been doing keeping us safe from the monsters waiting to rise from the dust of the past? Well, here’s another example of their heroics.

Four bodies discovered in 2001 at Cladh Hallan village in Scotland have turned out to be the earliest evidence of deliberate mummification in Britain – as old as 1600 BCE. The high-acid, low-oxygen soil of ancient peat bogs like the ones in these northern isles was a perfect preservative for flesh, prompting the bronze-age people of northern Europe to use the bogs as small-scale mummy factories.

Tollund Man, Denmark's perfectly preserved bog mummy from 2,400 years ago.

2,400-year-old Tollund Man of Denmark is considered an unintentional bog mummy (note the unceremonious noose around his neck).

Immersion in a bog for a year or so was enough to preserve the body of a loved one or an important leader for the ages. It is thought that such mummies were then enshrined for centuries, included in rituals, and even consulted on topics important to their tribes. The job of interpreting a mummy’s thoughts and wisdom no doubt fell to a shaman or priest(ess), like at Delphi and other ancient oracles of the Mediterranean.

But here’s the especially fascinating and macabre thing about the mummies of Cladh Hallan – the body parts of each skeleton are from multiple individuals! Indeed, archaeologists have determined that some body parts are hundreds of years older than others – and of different genders – suggesting that the parts of long-revered mummies were reorganized and buried to sort-of graft together the limbs of multiple family trees.

According to Prof Mike Parker Pearson, an expert in the Bronze Age and burial rituals, such blending of reanimated tribal icons could have been strictly ceremonial or may have been intended to determine property rights or solidify authority. It remains unclear why these mummies were buried in graves after generations of being hosted among the inhabitants of the village.

Boris Karloff played Frankenstein's monster and the Mummy - 3 millennia after the people of Cladh Hallan perfected the mash-up.

Boris Karloff played Frankenstein‘s monster and The Mummy – three millennia after the people of Cladh Hallan perfected the mash-up.

Of course, archaeologists are sticking to the official story – that these skeletons were assembled after mummification. But Brain Burgers can put the pieces together (pun intended) and see the truth – that these were proto-Frankenstein monsters walking the earth who stumbled into the bog after a night of stalking and groaning through the village streets. Archaeologists just haven’t found the neck bolts yet. Hehe, stupid monsters.

Now, here’s the cheese on this Brain Burger.

3 other artefacts found mummified in the peat bogs of Scotland:

  1. One sock – argh!
  2. An Ancient Navy polar fleece hoodie – those things really do last forever!
  3. Twinkies (peat bog soil determined totally unnecessary for preservation)
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Categories: Ancient Secrets, archaeology, Hidden Archealogy, History, Monsters, The Ancient World, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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