11 reasons we’ve loved you, Zombie, even before you were “relationship material.”
Hey, shuffling undead! Our romance with you started long before you were eligible to date. With today’s release of my new novella “ZomProm: a high school zombie romance” and the recent premier of the teen-horror-sci-fi-rom-com flick “Warm Bodies,“ Brain Burgers reflects on our long-time love affair with you, zombie hoard, and our very personal reasons why.
1. You have no hidden agendas.
Ask anyone what the living people in their life want and they might have a stock answer or an educated guess. But when pressed we have to admit that we really don’t know what another person wants – and some people are downright walking conundrums. But when we ask, “What does a zombie want?” only three things come to mind . You want to chew living flesh, eat fresh brains, and spread your disease. Simple, uncomplicated, elegant. We love that!
2. You never argue.
True, we want different things – you want to make an appetizer of our limbs, an aperitif of our blood, then a main course of our entrails. We are accustomed to doing the eating, not being eaten – and we want it to stay that way. But do you zombies ever argue with us about it? No! You never tell us we’re wrong for wanting what we want. Our differences are understood. You respect us … in your way.
3. You change slowly – very, very slowly.
Like your characteristic aversion to fire, your grossness has faded until you’ve moved, little by little, past our five senses and closer to our hearts. And now some of you are actually relationship material now – hard to believe! And what’s endearing is that we don’t remember when either thing changed – and we don’t care! You evolved – and you did it slowly that we didn’t feel the pain and confusion. That’s so considerate of you.
4. No “communication problems” with you.
We never have to try to “get through to” a zombie. You won’t listen and we know that. Now that that’s settled, we can get on with the chasing and the running – no misunderstandings here.
5. The unconditional love.
You see us for what we really are – beautiful, whole creatures with the profound spark of life glowing inside us. You accept us for who we are and you want to eat us. That’s love without conditions.
6. You always make us feel attractive!
You zombies think we smell great and look great no matter what! ‘Nuf said.
7. You’re so focused and persistent.
Most of the living wish we had a zombie’s determination! You know what you want and you go for it. Nothing – not even losing a limb – will keep you from your goal of pressing living flesh between your teeth. That kind of drive could get a person far in the world of the living – although constant hunger for fresh brains might quickly become a human resources issue in the workplace.
8. You know when to stop.
Headshot. Decapitation. Fire is a fun option. When we’re fed up with a zombie, all we have to do is aim well and shoot hard. You dutifully die and – unlike a bad relationship, a crappy job, or an awkward family reunion – the unpleasantness is quickly over.
9. You’re ugly and you don’t care – and we LOVE IT!
Some days no matter how we look on the outside, we really feel undead on the inside. Zombies wear it all on the outside. You’re having a bad day and everyone can see to stay out of your way. Thanks for the fair warning.
10. You are rugged individualists.
You’ll chomp on a garbage man, your former boss’s wife, or even the Prince of Wales if you can get your claws on him. You shuffle like no one is watching, moan like no one is listening, and eat like you can’t gain weight. And here we breathers sit, only dreaming of who we could be if we had that kind of courage.
11. You live in slow-mo.
Best of all, you zombies take your time. What’s the rush when you have eternity – or at least until your limbs rot off? Topping your endearing attributes, you’re so slow that we can always outrun a clutching, chomping zombie hoard. The only thing that can get us in trouble with a you is our own stupidity and bad judgement. And if that happens, we know we had it coming. By taking your time, you give us the gift of certainty.