Zombie Pre-pocalypse

Stone Age “skull-smashing” suggests people were terrorized by the scourge of the undead 10,000 years ago.
Have a nice eternity, zombies! You can die and be buried but you can't hide from the long arm of archaeology.

Have a nice eternity, zombies! You can die and be buried repeatedly but you can’t hide from the long arm of archaeology.

What can we say? When we find a bunch of skulls with no bodies attached, the speculation starts flying. What did ten poor souls of the Stone Age – mostly men between 18 and 30 years old – do to deserve such treatment?

Oh, I don’t know – maybe they rose from the grave and tried eating the mayor’s children! That would be a good enough reason, wouldn’t it?

New Scientist reported in August that Spanish archaeologist Juan José Ibañez and his team found a burial pit holding a cluster of disembodied human skulls under a neolithic village in Syria dating back 10,000 years. The faces of the skulls were smashed in – perhaps in the Stone Age equivalent of a head-shot.

Many ancient burial sites have been found throughout the Middle East and Europe with disembodied and mixed skeletons. Recently, Brain Burgers reported on the discovery of mixed skeletons at the Bronze Age village of Cladh Halan in Scotland. The speculation there is of Frankenstein-like monsters walking the earth 3,000 years ago. But could it have been zombies instead?

"Everything but the faces." Disembodied heads with the faces smashed in at the bottom of a 10,000-year-old grave in Syria. -Consejo Superior de Investigaciones Cientificas

“Everything but the faces.” Disembodied heads with the faces smashed in at the bottom of a 10,000-year-old grave in Syria. -Consejo Superior de Investigaciones Cientificas

It’s unclear why digging up skeletons and re-burying them together directly under a thriving village was a thing back then. It might have been ritual power concentration, revenge, or ancestor veneration – but maybe it was zombie repellent:

“Hey, zombie hoard, smell that? Yeah, that’s a bunch of your kind rotting in a grave! That’s what happens when you mess with us!” And the zombies had the sense to stay away.

The ages of sites like this vary by thousands of years, possibly indicating an ongoing, intermittent, geographically spread-out battles against throngs of undead.

“The post-mortem violence suggests young men were seen as carrying a particular threat,” says Stuart Campbell at the University of Manchester, UK. Yes, a walking corpse hungry for living flesh would qualify as a threat even in pre-history.
Now, remember that this happened in a time when mainstream archaeology and anthropology believes that humans were primitive stone-tool-using hunter-gatherers with only rudimentary social skills. But the even more ancient temple complex at nearby Gobekeli Tepe in Turkey shows that a highly developed culture at least 2,000 years older existed by that time. Is it not possible to assume that the people of this village and their culture were smart enough to know a zombie when they saw one?

Is this grave discovered in Syria evidence for a Stone Age zombie apocalypse? Well, let’s just say that the obsession with the dead walking the earth is not a uniquely twenty-first-century phenomenon!

Now, here’s the cheese on this Brain Burger.

3 other bits of evidence of a zombie attack on a Stone Age Syrian village:

  1. Thousands of spent shell casings from automatic weapons fire (by “shell casings” we mean rocks and by “automatic weapons” we mean throwing arms).
  2. Rib bones with gnaw marks and no empty barbecue sauce jars nearby.
  3. Ancient tunic printed on the front with: “Been there. Done that. Got the zombie virus.”
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One thought on “Zombie Pre-pocalypse

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