Authors and Other Monkeys

Why this author is scared of chimps. What happened the 4 percent that used to matter?!

Lucky for me an other authors, chimps are just mastering the typewriter. So their writing technique is 5 years behind us.

Lucky for me and other authors, chimps couldn’t get past Windows Vista, so maybe their writing technology will always be a good 20 years behind us.

Last Thursday, I sent the manuscript of THE LEAGUE OF DELPHI Book #2 to the editor and I was feeling pretty smug. “I’ve really accomplished something this time,” I thought. “What’s to stop me from evolving into a best-selling author who enjoys the admiration of thousands, if not millions, of other humans?”

Then I remembered that as a basic human being I share 96 percent of my DNA with the common chimpanzee – my nearest evolutionary ancestor – and I instantly felt insecure about my writing, my career, and my place at the top of the evolutionary ladder.

Even the crappy corporate jobs are taken.

They’re even taking our crappy corporate jobs! You know, the ones we said we didn’t want?

It wouldn’t be so bad if there wasn’t so much evidence of chimps invading human society. I was fine with the whole chimps-in-diapers faze, when they were cute, harmless, and needed changing. But in recent years, chimps have gone to space and also murdered people. I have done neither of those things. At 44, space is pretty much out of the question. I never aspired to murder anyone but, already, chimps have done some pretty noteworthy things that I never will.


The new evolutionary chart.

I also liked it when the movies showed apes already in charge – like in the original Planet of the Apes movies. Not great for humankind, but at least in that scenario we had accepted our lot. The lastest Planet of the Apes movie showing how things are going wrong between us and the apes freaked me out, though. I loved RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES, but stop showing me how I’m fitting my future for ape domination – it’s ruining DUNSTEN CHECKS IN for me!  [I am totally geeked that DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES has begun filming and will be released in 2014!] I was feeling ambivalent about he whole chimp issue, figuring we have 30 solid years of human domination left.

Then I read the “infinite monkey” theorem –  you know, Borel’s idea that a monkey at a typewriter hitting keys at random will eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare? That tears it!

I lost my customer service job to chimp outsourcing. Must I lose my dream of becoming an author too?

I lost my customer service job to chimp outsourcing. Must I lose my dream of becoming an author too?

Why bother? Why even sit down at the keyboard to write if some chimp, working for M&M’s, will hammer random keys 100 hours a week until he writes THE LEAGUE OF DELPHI 3 and gives all the the royalties to the new ape alliance, which will eventually just net me and put me to work in the banana fields?

I’ll probably keep being human and keep writing simply out of habit. If the day comes when the chimps move out of their cubicles and take to the streets, I’ll throw myself at their mercy and remind them that there’s really only 4 percent DNA difference between us, cuz! Although, I doubt that will protect me – or my copyrights – when the revolution comes.

So you can see why I’m losing a little sleep at night. Chimps are wearing nice suits now. They’re arming themselves for revolution. And they’re using typewriters. Isn’t that what the Nazis did?

Now, here’s the cheese on this Brain Burger.

3 reasons authors ought not keep chimps as pets:

  1. They steal your best story ideas and scribble them on blackened banana peels.
  2. A chimp will thoughtlessly adjust the height and backrest on your writing chair and not put it back.
  3. Give up coffee and pick up banana smoothies.
Chris Everheart is author of the YA thriller
Categories: Uncategorized, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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